Bila kana call pukul 3 pagi...

...ini lah kejadian dia. Terpaksa ada luahan nda tahan mau simpan nda dapat tidur.

Satu ja la sy mau bagitau kau. Jangan telampau jahat sama orang sebab apa pun yang berlaku akan jadi sama semua orang juga bergantung sama macamna gaya kau selama ini. You reap what you sow. Or the famous saying of what comes around will always comes back around. 

Cuma kadang-kadang, kalau pasal mentaliti, susah mau ubah sebab kalau sudah memang tembirang seja gaya sama cara berfikir memang tembirang seja la tu biar apa pun kau cakap. Ramai juga yang nda pandai sedar yang kalau dorang buat jahat sama orang sekarang, benda-benda begitu mesti (200% mesti) akan berlaku juga sama dorang tu lain kali. Telampau banyak sudah contoh berlaku mcmtu. Kalau kau masih nda tau, then you'll have your time soon. Bukan juga mau menyumpah orang tapi mcmtu seja baru orang sedar supaya jangan telampau jahat sama kasi betul sikit tu pikiran lah kalau buli.

Jangan ada tu fikiran yang kalau masa tu kau ada duit, 'ada-ada' la orang bilang, semua orang lain yang miskin kau mau pandang rendah. Atau kau mau sampai orang terfikir yang kau anggap dia mcm sampah-sampah seja teda guna-guna sebab apa harta pun teda jadi apa cakapan pun nda buli pakai. Kau gila kah? Ingat orang kaya seja punya cakapan buli guna kah?

Ni kali tia pa. Saya faham juga kenapa mau buat begini. Kasi chance la. Lain kali, bila sampai sudah masa dia semua benda mau bongkar kasi shove di muka kamurang, I wish to God saya ada sana masa tu. How dare you do all these things to the person I love most.

All the things she and I have been wanting to say to all of you. Especially her. Saya nda apa lagi, muda lagi baru 17 tahun jadi ada banyak lagi benda yang saya belum terasa semua. Tapi pigi buat benda begitu sama orang yang berpuluh-puluh tahun suda hidup di dunia. Macam nda cukup-cukup lagi kesusahan mau kasi rasa. Jaga la kamurang semua betul-betul nanti.

Sabar seja la dulu ah. Everything will always go right in the end.

Make It Go Away

My chest have been hurting since last night. It hurt so much it won't go away anymore. It is there all the time and all I can do to ignore it is to keep myself busy with work. It's not because I had a nasty cough or that I ran into a pole, but it's like the one you feel when you lost something you hold dear, or when you realize that it's hurting too much, or when you see someone you love can never be happy with you the way they are happy with somebody else.

Though the feeling hasn't passed

Peace. Love. Empathy.

After reading Mel's post about death, I can't help but feel a sensation of apprehension deep in my chest thinking about those things that I'm putting aside whether because I don't really know what to do about them or if it's because there's nothing I can do to make it the way it should be. Either way, there should be something, small as it may be that I can do to make a little difference but I'm just not sure.

I have been trying to live my life without ever taking anything or anyone for granted. I may not always like that but I tried and still trying. Everything I own now, they may be gone tomorrow. The nice little earring I bought the other day may be lost while I'm busy looking for things and it get stuck among the rubbish and I may accidentally throw it away.

People that I love, how sure am I that I can have them next to me forever? I can't. I know.

It would have been so much easier if everyone really mean what they say and learn to listen with empathy. I did not do that every time but I wanted to. I want to call my sister now and tell her I'm sorry that things turn out this way and that all mom and I want is for us to be happy. That if we may have failed her in any way, we never meant it to be that way.

But even when I'm going to say that with nothing but honest intention, I can't be sure that she'll listen to the sincerity of those words. It easier to play the blame game and keep on doing what you simply feel like doing regardless of whether it's the right thing or not.

And there are those matters that's still not settled. Friends. Enemy. Loved ones. Relatives. Haters. Admirers.

But then they said there's just some things that's better left unsaid.

Hmm.


On not so different matter, there's this movie titled Mr. Nobody starring Jared Leto which show us the many different lives one person can live, depending on the choices he makes every step of the way.

The possibilities is just endless and it makes us see life in an interesting way. There are good or bad choices in life and each choice will create another life for you. It makes me think that maybe there's a very good reason behind all these uncertainty and unknown possibilities. Because when you know everything, then what's the point?

In the movie, the angel missed the marking on him when he was...I guess that was in heaven so he knows everything. He know the sort of life he'll live if he make certain choice. And at the final scene, because he knows, he can't bring himself to pick which life he wants. So he ran away.

And I guess by running away, it is also another one of those different life. No?

It's a very interesting movie and if you have decided to watch it, then I hope you will enjoy watching it.

Daddy's Day

So it's Father's Day today. I never took any notice of this particular day before simply because, well I don't really have one while growing up so I just look at it like any other usual days. I was pretty cool with it and it's been like that for most of my life and I just never really thought about it that much.

Up until recently, yes it did come across my mind. To summarize it a bit, I sort of googled my father's name online a few months back (I think it was last year) and since he's involve in some kind of Cultural Group in Sabah, it was easy to get the information and his...phone number. Told you I am very good with google-ing.

You must be thinking that this was like searching-for-the-lost-dad-i-want-to-know-him-before-i-died-or-he-died kind of thing but no. Actually it just one of those random things I tend to do out of boredom and I didn't thought much of what's going to happen if I really get in contact with him. I mean I even googled my own name so...you get the idea.

Well, it was awkward. What do you say to someone after 25 years of total absence in life?

After that particular day of weird talks and confusions, finally the contacts was made and he'll pop up on and off in our life every once in a while just to say hello and stuff like that. I was just in KK a few weeks back and had one on one drinking session with him that this idea of Father's Day came across my mind. I was looking at his wrinkled face (noting that he's not as handsome as he was before in the only picture we had of him at home) and wonder if he's expecting me or my older sister to wish him a Happy Father's Day this year. I guess I would not since he never did the father-ing stuff and he's not even real to me to be honest. Just someone to fill my parentage history in forms and certificates.

Anyway, he got his own other son and daughter to wish him that so...never mind.

So that would be my first entry for Daddy's Day. You guys should be able to do much better than that. To a few of my friends who got kids of their own now, I wish you a very Happy Father's Day.

Spread The Good Vibe Around

It's the 24th day of February again. And I am very grateful that I am so happy today. One happy person can go a long way you know.

You influence the people around you. They will want to be happy too. Or at least feel less moody. Before you know it, everyone else is having a great day as they bump from one person to another who initially received the blessing of good vibe from you.

So it is my mission the whole day. Now that I'm smiling ear to ear. To spread the positive vibe among people and make them feel that it's not such a bad day after all.

Are you happy yet?

And also to be grateful of the laughter. The tears for touched and heartfelt moments. To be loved so much and to be able to love in return. Put aside everything for a minute and just allow yourself to feel.

To remember never to take anything or anyone for granted.


People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost. ~H. Jackson Browne

cengeng?...for a reason.

People who are close to me will know that i am probably one of the most sensitive person in this world.

When someone scratched my car as if it's their new drawing paper last time, i didn't shed a single tear. Not even when i lost something, no matter how important it is.

Back in primary school, i didn't really have much money to spend over food and after that i was constantly worrying whenever it's time for a holiday at boarding school because i could not afford the ferry fee to come back... and i never cried at that too. Well maybe sometimes when i was so worried i could not make it but thanks to my strong and great mom, we always seem to get through that.

But i can't control my tears from flowing when someone close to me hurt my feelings. Friends...family...kids...loved ones...

I was always the first one to cry when mom got mad at me and my sister back when we were kids (sepa suruh jajal). Even now when mom and my sist were quarelling and yelling at each other terribly, it's me who cries first.

I don't know why i'm doing this, but i never want to let people be able to hurt me like that again.

Up To No Good

I'm losing my mind.
What am i doing? Stop it you silly. Dammit.
Now that i hinted on it, things won't just go away like that.
What am i thinking!

5.41PM - The call was literally my damn farking first time ever hearing the voice & talk things together. I actually had quite a normal conversation. I actually laugh. I mean like really laugh. And i make jokes. yes. jokes. to a sort-of-complicated-stranger. Mom's gonna be pissed at me i guess. dammit. I don't even want to do that actually. This is not how i picture it to happen. I always have a vision of finally meeting up maybe at a place close to a death-bed or something. geez. Now i'm confuse. I got mix feelings and i'm not sure whether to hate it or like it or what.