Not really in a fine mood these last few days. I'm not going to let it show and hopefully I will feel alright again. What's wrong? I don't exactly know.
It has to stop somehow. For your own good. Stop feeling insecure and stop thinking about those things that makes you feel second best. Don't ever let anyone makes you feel less about yourself anymore. Never rely on anyone to make you feel good about yourself. You don't need their compliment and you don't need sweet words. You don't have to be this or that enough for someone. What happen to the girl who always believe in herself no matter what. You don't have to dig deep and look far. It's in you. It has always been there.
I'm not a very good person. Honestly. So why in the world would I thought of all these demands? That I deserve much more than this. That I don't have to let myself go through all this. That I can choose other ways to be happy.
This was all I can think of most of the time. Everyday. Every single waking hour since I got myself into this... Sometimes I wonder why do I let myself to be hurt when I can choose not to.
Anyone have any idea how hard this is for me? No. How crazy it is to keep things to yourself and always feel second best?Again, no.
I have try reasoning with myself, trying to tell myself that it's okay not to be treated the way I wish I am. That if I just try my best, put my heart into it and make all the effort I can think of...whatever happen after this, at least I tried. But when it is time to really harden my heart and think of what's best for me...it's really hard too. It's hard to imagine life without...
All I ever want...is to be fully loved just the way I am. I don't want somebody who need to try to like me. Why try? It only means one thing, they don't really like you. Let go.
I thought that I'm never going to be good enough...but I never try asking myself up until now that maybe it's the other way around?
There's always something...that will makes me feel unhappy. It's not fair. All I can do is to cry silently. What did I ever do to you to deserve this? I'd rather be alone than to be made to feel like this. Nothing I ever say makes any difference anyway.
I'm in my room, feeling at peace but also feels quite 'new'. Like I'm still getting used to it..but here, I can look at every single thing around and nothing else to be reminded of. Just me and my stuff.
I plan to do a bit more decluttering and maybe to change the bedroom setting to avoid knocking over the edge of the bed. But that would take quite some time and energy so maybe tomorrow. Or the day after. I haven't decide.
Mcm ok jg kalau kaler merah kan. :-D
I should sleep early tonight. I thought of finishing a book or watch the movie 'The Three Idiots' my colleague gave me this morning but now I don't really feel like it. Just thinking of hitting the sack.
Maybe I should meditate a bit...clearing my mind off those things that are unnecessary and then go to bed and wake up fresh and happy tomorrow.
I will do that.
And, I'm grateful for being me. With all the imperfection and flaws.
I haven't got my gratitude journal so...that's why. :)
Do you know the feeling you have when you are trying to blog but you just keeps on deleting one sentence to another because no matter how personal your blog might be...it is still public and accessible and that no matter how much you want to put some things into words, you don't really want to just let go and offer your vulnerability side in one silver platter... That you know the stories and words are flowing inside your mind... That the stories isn't quite finish... and yet you push the 'publish post' button... separating those that can be shared and those that you just want to keep it to yourself. No matter how much you actually want to let it out.
Keep a gratitude journal. Challenge yourself to write down five new things every day that you're grateful for. It'll be easy in the beginning, but soon you'll discover that you have to increase your awareness to keep on.
Try to focus on the positive, instead. Be thankful for what you have. And remember that if someone is going to hurt you, there's nothing you can do to stop it anyway. No amount of nagging, monitoring, accusation, snooping, or guarding will prevent you from being hurt. If you believe in someone, believe in them completely; give them all your trust. The benefit of the doubt is essential for any relationship to work. - WikiHow.
Let me start the post in 2011 with this song from one of my favourite singer, Delta Goodrem. After all, this year is going to be as awesome as this song. I have no doubt about that.
"Born To Try"
Doing everything that I believe in
Going by the rules that I've been taught
More understanding of what's around me
And protected from the walls of love
All that you see is me
And all I truly believe
That I was born to try
I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like
But I was born to try
No point in talking what you should have been
And regretting the things that went on
Life's full of mistakes, destinies and fate
Remove the clouds look at the bigger picture
And all that you see is me
And all I truly believe
That I was born to try
I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like
But I was born to try
All that you see is me
All I truly believe
All that you see is me
And all I truly believe
That I was born to try
I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like
But I was born to try
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like
Adei..bagus2 sy ada mood mo blogging td..trus malas sda skg..ada seja yg bikin panas. I should get away from virtual world/ social network until new year lah ni to mantain a good vibe.
But I have to schedule a few posts so that everything ends at 9 every year. But then..I don't want it to be like ntah apa2 seja punya post..Hmm..apa la ni mo tulis.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Coincidence, that's all anything ever is, nothing more than coincidence.
There are no miracles.
There's no such thing as fate, nothing is meant to be.
Sometimes they say that people around you know about certain things more than you do because they have been doing the observation so they will judge better since they are not clouded by any emotion or bias perception about the matter.
And once it happen, you will say things like 'If they only knew!' - well, they don't. Because they're not you. Let me put it this way. Someone can care for you and still not understand your every motive, emotion, need, and desire.
Life have been confusing and hard these days but somehow, out of nowhere there's this feeling bursting out from deep within telling me that it is all under my own control and decision. People can say and tell you about many things - of what to do and what is right but at the end of the day you will be alone again and it is actually depend on how do you want to live your life and no one else can live it for you. Put aside whatever people say about things and just do what you feel right.
This time around, I am going to do whatever I want to and start all over again. Doing the best I can for my own life. Along the way, people will drop by and leave their markings on the door and soon they will be gone and that is meant to be. Their turn have come to put a color to your sketch of life. And when they are done, go on and do the same.
It's really is a good thing that I enjoy movies as much as I love books. I can always depend on them to have a laugh, to cry over a touchy moments, to relate on some of the incidents and to always help me to restart my thoughts all over again.
It's My Blueberry Nights for tonight and you can see my favorite singer Norah Jones in it. I never knew she could act. She's actually quite good and looked very pretty in the movie as she is in real life. Jude Law is in it too. As well as Natalie Portman and Rachel Weisz. There you have it.
It was pretty slow in the beginning and throughout the movie but it suits me just fine with the mood I was in earlier.
Here's some of my favorite quotes in the movie.
Elizabeth: When you're gone, all that is left behind are the memories you created in other people's lives or just a couple of items on a bill.
...................
Elizabeth: The last few days, I've been learning not to trust people and I'm glad I've failed. Sometimes we depend on other people as a mirror to define us and tell us who we are and each reflection makes me like myself a little more.
...................
Katya: Sometimes, even if you have the keys those doors still can't be opened. Can they? Jeremy: Even if the door is open, the person you're looking for may not be there, Katya.
..................
Jeremy: From my observations, sometimes it's better off not knowing, and other times there's no reason to be found. Elizabeth: Everything has a reason. Jeremy: Hmm. It's like these pies and cakes. At the end of every night, the cheesecake and the apple pie are always completely gone. The peach cobbler and the chocolate mousse cake are nearly finished... but there's always a whole blueberry pie left untouched. Elizabeth: So what's wrong with the blueberry pie? Jeremy: There's nothing wrong with the blueberry pie. Just... people make other choices. You can't blame the blueberry pie, just... no one wants it.
There's a lot more in that film. And it's fun to see how cocky Natalie Portman can be at a game of Poker.
I'm glad that I don't have to be in a complicated thoughts before sleep tonight.
Love cycling. Always been able to make me feel good while riding around and taking a breath of fresh air. It's calming. Especially when there's a lot of things going on in my head and I just need to find a way to ease my mind. Not all things can be spoken to another human being. Sometimes the nature seem more understanding by just listening quietly.
Not everything you plan goes on smoothly. That's why the advice is to always have a plan B or something of the sort.
There must be a reason why some things happen. Or maybe that's just our way of reasoning or just excuses for things that did not go as we intended it to.
Or maybe it was just bad judgement. How are we suppose to know what's coming right?
I'm losing my mind. What am i doing? Stop it you silly. Dammit. Now that i hinted on it, things won't just go away like that. What am i thinking!
5.41PM - The call was literally my damn farking first time ever hearing the voice & talk things together. I actually had quite a normal conversation. I actually laugh. I mean like really laugh. And i make jokes. yes. jokes. to a sort-of-complicated-stranger. Mom's gonna be pissed at me i guess. dammit. I don't even want to do that actually. This is not how i picture it to happen. I always have a vision of finally meeting up maybe at a place close to a death-bed or something. geez. Now i'm confuse. I got mix feelings and i'm not sure whether to hate it or like it or what.
