Untitled.

I don't really feel so good today.

The day started quite okay but somehow it changed and now I just feel...low.

I'm quite a sport about many things and rarely ever want to lose my head over something. If I can just rationalize things a little patiently, I'll be as happy as a clam in no time. Even though one of my close friends once said that I am probably the most sensitive girl in the world, no one actually really saw it through me because I don't often get worked up over something that did not matter much to me. Most of the time, I am just a happy mind-my-own-business type of person.

But then, everyone have their own moody time. Even me. Especially me. I just know how to hide the emotion better than most people.

With things going on in my mind, suddenly I feel small and stupid. About actions that I have made previously. The way I thought so much about petty things and so on. Plus, there's a major self esteem issues going on with me at this very moment. I don't really feel pretty. And for the first time, there's a few things that I started to hate about myself.

Every once in a while, people would tell me that I'm starting to look fat or that my ass is a bit small or they think there's something wrong with the way I walk, but I never actually really care much about other people's opinion when it comes to looks and physical attributes. So it's all fine. But not today. Right now, if someone says that they think I look tired today, I'll take it that they mean I look like an ugly ghost and that I should have think twice before deciding to open the door and go to work this morning to save everyone from having to torture their eyes with the very sight of me. That thought alone actually pisses me off right now. Shit.
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Sigh.

I know perfectly well that no matter what I do, how I dress, how I act, what I say, or what my opinions are, people would only choose to think what suited them the most. Some guys, for example, will look at me and wonder why their friends think that I'm attractive. Others will think I look more like an alien from another planet than as an actual human being. So I might as well just be myself, and gravitate towards those who really accept me just the way I am. You'll be surprise how judgmental anyone can be these days. Even families or close friends.

It's kind of embarrassing to feel this way. I always thought that no one will ever get under my skin with matters as trivial as this. Sigh. I guess today is the day that it happen.

Want A Change In Mood? Eat Some Toffee.

There are many reason for me to be stressed or unhappy.

The work at the office is piling up and I went home feeling exhausted everyday. I wanted to do at least a bit of a reading but even before getting to the next page I was already fast asleep.

There are many things and plans I wanted to get started but I don't have enough moolah to do anything about it now.

I'm still stuck at this office. Scanning my card at 8 in the morning and spent 10hours of my precious time doing things I don't really care about.

And I haven't heard a thing from the hundreds of resume I sent applying for a job somewhere else. Maybe because all the time I was only halfhearted and blindly applying for 'the job' because I know deep down that it's not what I really wanted to do. So I guess I haven't been sending out the right signal to the universe so they are a bit confuse as to what I was attracting and they don't want me to get what I don't want. Does that make any sense to you? Pfft.

Well, that is exactly everything that I can choose to feel and think every five minutes if I let my mind to dwell about it long enough to affect my emotions. However, I choose to simply change what I was thinking to something good and I don't think I'm unhappy anymore. Just like that.

Rather than replaying and analyzing all those bad and sad thoughts, I push my mind to think of grabbing some chocolate mint toffee which I saw at my colleague's desk this morning. Now I'm typing this to you while helping myself with one. He wouldn't mind a few missing.

Remember my post about having a plan? That also helps you to move forward and have a sense of purpose no matter how small it may be. Get you excited and help setting a new priority to think about. Mine would be to decide what to cook before April ends in about 1 and a half day left.

Good luck to me! :-D


08:48pm Update
Just had dinner. Guess what? Nasi Lemak. So, that's the recipe for April. Barely made it eh. It's my first time cooking Nasi Lemak so there's still a room for improvement. Plus, the ingredients was not really complete since I couldn't find it all at the nearby market and I was kind of tired after a long day at the office but I did try my best. The sambal was a bit too spicy and oily but the rice was yummy. I couldn't find any Pandan  at the shop (although I did take a peek at the neighbour's lawn and saw a bunch of it planted there but I was too shy to ask for one) so I just put some lemon grass and slices of onion into the rice mixed with coconut milk. It was actually quite good for first timer. I'm going to try cooking it again and i'll make sure it's a finger-lickin'-good one this time. :)

Wtf

I finally lost it.

They said my voice can be heard as far as the last desk about 100m away from the meeting room.

The thing is, it's just hard for me to believe how some people can be such an asshole. They say everyone has their limit. Just now was mine.

It takes almost all of my self-control to refrain from telling them to just go fuck themselves.

Damn

I'm having a rough day...everything seem to go wrong today..I did not actually feel very enthusiastic going to work this morning & things just get worse.

If u think I'm downright plain, boring & unable to express anger & sadness verbally does not mean you can say just about anything you pleases.

If you think I'm ugly, so what...shut you hideous eyes & go away..the sight of you make me wanna puke anyway.

All of you can just shut up & leave me alone.

And i don't need anyone to tell me to look at the fucking bright side or whatever bullshit you want to say...

Instead of saying things going to get better, why don't you help me with the swearing instead. I'm doing a bad job here. I did not exceed expectation in swearing vocabulary.

Shit.