The secret to happiness
Sights & Sounds
Xandria Ooi
It cannot be derived from pleasures alone.
MY brother-in-law, Yu Jin, once remarked to me: “Your face changes when you eat ice-cream. It literally lights up.” One of my favourite things in the world is ice-cream, and I’ve always said that ice-cream makes me extremely happy. Yet, when I think about it, I wonder if consuming ice-cream makes me happy, or if it simply gives me pleasure. There is an important distinction between the two, however similar they may be.
Experiencing pleasure is one of the most exhilarating feelings in the world. Our hearts may beat a little faster; our energy levels surge and we may even smile or laugh a little more than usual. The problem with feelings of pleasure is that it is so closely linked to our emotions that it cannot possibly last. Phrases like “moments of pleasure” or “a rush of pleasure” are often used for a reason — pleasure graces us with its presence but it also leaves without saying goodbye.
The question to ask is, when the euphoria is gone, do you feel happy, or empty? I now acknowledge that having ice-cream does not give me happiness, it simply gives me pleasure. Simply as it may seem, that is an important realisation. I would feel very good as I consume a pint of ice-cream, but after the pint is gone, I would feel guilty. What’s worse, I would feel fat. Is that happiness? Of course not. This does not mean that I would write-off eating ice-cream. Nothing is wrong with experiencing pleasure, but indulging too much would mean that the moment’s pleasure could turn into long-term unhappiness.
This applies across the board to so many things in our lives. If we are always dependent on external factors to give us joy, it only makes sense that we would be unhappy, sad or depress if we are without them. Sometimes, the pleasure we experience brings no regret or sadness, but it does create a void that needs to be constantly filled.
For example, when we purchase an expensive or coveted item, we would feel on top of the world as we leave the store and take it home. After a few weeks, this highly-prized item would no longer be perceived as special. If it was a vase, you would have gotten used to seeing it sitting in your dining room. If it was a car, you’d have gotten used to driving it. One of my friends has a beautiful black Hermès Birkin bag, and she said something that made me think. After I buy something, it’d just become one of my many things. I’d leave my bag on the floor, or chuck it somewhere in the house. It’s expensive, but it becomes normal after I’ve had it for a while.”
That applies to people as well. If you’re marrying someone just because they’re physically beautiful, you’ll soon fail to see the beauty that had once captivated you so. Attaining material things or having sex with different people give us great pleasure, but it leads us down a path of always seeking the next rush of pleasure. Feeling desirable leads to a false sense of self-worth, which is why it convinces those with insecurities that flattery, praises and sexual conquests can compensate for feelings of inadequacy.
The problem is that pleasure is so temporary that the feeling of increased self-worth fades as quickly as it began, after which we are back at square one. We don’t often stop and think about what our ultimate goal in life is — we think long and hard about our dreams and ambitions, or where we’d like to travel to, what we’d like to eat and how much money we’d like to make; but what does having all that lead us? We hope that it will lead us to happiness. Let’s think about this for a moment. Sometimes, in the pursuit of happiness, we get derailed and forget that we are pursuing happiness, and not simply pleasure. When we confirm a holiday, we are happy. When we at the airport, we are very happy. When we find out that the flight has been delayed, we are extremely unhappy. When we arrive in Paris, we are happy. When our hotel room has no towels, we are unhappy. Did our holiday make us happy, or unhappy?
What I find most difficult in life is to be constantly happy.
Happiness is a state of mind that is at peace and free from anger or desires; yet as human beings, we are so reliant on situations, circumstances and people to be happy. In his book,
Message from the Masters, Brian Weiss M.D. said, “Happiness comes from within. It is not dependent on external things or on other people.
You become vulnerable and can be easily hurt when your feelings of security and happiness depend on the behavior and actions of other people. Never give your power to anyone else.”
So much of our worry, stress, fear and heartaches are because we allow people to affect how we feel. If you have a boss and he was nasty to you, you’d feel anger and depressed. If you have a boyfriend who broke up with you, you’d feel worthless and dispensable.
Ending a relationship with someone because they “don’t make us happy” sounds absurd when you think about it. We are not responsible for the happiness of another, and even if we were, we do not have the power to ensure another human being’s happiness. What we able to do in a relationship is to fully utilise the tools that lead to happiness – pleasure, appreciation, understanding and love. In doing that, a couple is able to find happiness together. Pleasure is only one of the many subsets of happiness, and happiness cannot be derived from pleasures alone.
Happiness is within our own control, and we can determine whether to allow the simple pleasures in life to lead us to happiness. Think about it. If we are always dependent upon the big pleasures in life to make us happy — when we are given a pay rise or promotion, when we are given a big diamond ring or when we strike the lottery – then we can only ever be happy a few times in our lives. Simple pleasures are usually just the sun, a roof over our head, a friendly smile or a loving family, but it is hard for us to appreciate the value of simple pleasures until we lose them all; such is human nature. Yet, not all of us are of this mindset. There are people who have found the secret to their own happiness. How else can someone who is ill, be happy? How can someone who is handicapped and can’t move at all, be happy? How can someone who seems to have very little be happy, yet someone who has it all – health, family, love and support – be unhappy? What I do know is that
our toolbox of happiness consists of kindness, compassion, appreciation and love, and these are tools that are free and available to anyone who wants them.
Ego, pride and selfishness simply do not exist in the toolbox of happiness. Such a shame if we would think otherwise.
